Facing the CELTA-fear

 

I have entered into the world of Twitter this morning. I MUST do this, to engage with the academic community, to share and disseminate my EdD research, to help me increase the validity of my study and to broaden my PEN. I need to recognise and face my anixeties about doing this.

Identifying my fears

I joined Twitter in 2009. I follow over 200 people and have over 700 followers. This does not look like the profile of someone with Twitter-phobia. I had been an on- off-lurker for a long time up to the intial lockdown of March 2020, but lockdown sent me into full hibernation mode where I couldn't bring myself to even open Twitter let alone contribute. Prior to lockdown, my occassional jaunts into Twitter would find me struggling with the Noise, frustrated with having to plow my way through retweets and public 'private' conversations. Which made me question what I wanted to contribute. I certainly didn't want to add to this Noise, yet how else to use this space?

I am entering year 3 of my EdD. The networking opportunites of Twitter are so obvious and I know I need to overcome these fears.

Facing my fear: CELTA-imposter syndrome.

As I write this, by bio reads:

 

FE. Teacher Education. ESOL. Embarking on an EdD. All views my own.

 

Not a single mention of CELTA. How can this be when the main questions I'm interesting in answering is How do trainee-teachers learn to teach through peer observation on their Teaching Practice on a part time CELTA? and What do trainee-teachers and the CELTA tutors professionally notice as they engage in while-observation and post-observation discussions of Teaching Practice?

My professional identity sits firmly within FE, I have felt the shift from being an ESOL teacher to being a Teacher Educator, and this is reflected in my bio as well as in the Twitter circles I find myself in. The pleasures of Twitter are when you are conversing with people that you know, have met, know a little about their (professional) backgrounds. I know very few CELTA people. I only deliver one part time CELTA a year, within a large FE college, and I feel quite a CELTA-fraud. Which is nuts, because year on year we get great feedback from the traineees, from the assessor and (despite how very hard work it is!) I do love teaching the CELTA.

Why I love the CELTA

Well, what's not to love! It is a great course, it is intensive, and challenging and in a short time trainees learn a lot, and I think a large part of this is because of the Teaching Practice, hense my research interest. It is also one of the very few ways to get some subject specific training for ESOL in the UK. We market the course for this duality, it is a passport to adventures across the globe and a starting point for teaching ESOL in the UK, and with the demise of the DT(E)LLS, there aren't many ESOL-specific courses out there any more. It also means the college can offer free ESOL classes to asylum seakers, providing much needed classes for those with no recourse to public funds.

Coming out of my shell

I am setting myself an intention to network more. Embrace the fears. Limit the Lurking.

The purpose of educational research - getting to grips with my research design

My son turns 13 tomorrow. Today we are celebrating his last day of non-teenager-ness. So far this has meant he's got to stay in bed watching You Tube on his phone & I'm hanging out in my kitchen baking, listening to the 6Music & skim reading through my first assignment from the EdD.

I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed this. Sunday morning breakfasts were always my domain. I'd make pancakes, sometimes bake bread. But these are winter routines, when the aga is on and our basement kitchen is the warmest place in the house. In the summer months I'm drawn to the sunnier spots upstairs to read and write, or even dragged away from the EdD to play tennis. It's November and I'm getting ready to hibernate.

Re-reading my first assignment, submitted only 10 short months ago, is like stumbling across an old friend who I only vaguely recognise. The first thing that stands out to me is that I took risks from the get go. I wrote Part A of the assignment as a confessional tale, which Sparks (1995) describes as 'autobiographical, highly personalized and self-absorbed to tell us what 'really' happened (p.171). I wrote it in the style of a journal in which I am exploring the developing relationship between my  professional self and the literature on the philosophy of education. The first tutor comment was reassuring in my decision 'an interesting and well focused abstract - I like the way you implicitly mobilise Sparks'.

The second thing I notice is that the tutor comments I imply the purpose of educational research should solely be concerned with improving practice. This resonates strongly with me on this lazy Sunday morning, as I am still struggling to articulate what I want to study, and more importantly why. I need to answer the 'so what' question of my research, and to do this I need to dig deep, continue to ponder the philosophical question on what I see as the purpose of educational research and most importantly, it's time for me to stop sitting on the fence so that I can have a research design that ensures my methodology explains and justifies my ontological and epistemological position.


Sparkes, A. (1995). Writing people - reflections on the dual crisis of representation and legitimation in qualitative enquiry. Quest, 47 (2), 158-195

taking time to stop

Since starting the EdD I've taken a pragmatic approach to time, reflecting on what I've had to stop doing (playing hockey, gardening, reading novels) to fit in the study time. During one of the early EdD sessions, I recall the guest speaker (a recent graduate) talked about how often he would be spending time with his family, sharing physical space with them, but often his mind was elsewhere. Thinking about his doctorate.

I recognise this. Do this, do that, get the jobs done in order to find the time to read and write and think. Another memory of being told a doctorate is one of the most self indulgent things you can do, that it's about having an intense relationship with yourself.

I'm reflecting on this busy-ness now, because this week I've stopped. I've stopped doing. I've started being. I've been with my family. We have shared time and space. No decisions beyond the immediacy of the next moment. Collect the car. Pick up something for tea. What time should we meet tomorrow? An unexpected bereavement has brought us all together. Nothing more important than being together.

And so we find ourselves in limbo. That time between the immediate shock of the loss and the goodbye of the funeral. Taking each day as it comes. Picking up everyday routines while navigating the waves of the loss.

Yet now I find myself with some time, with no obligation to others. An opportunity to pick up the reading, writing, thinking. I have the time but not the space. No head space for thinking, not with any kind of clarity. I've read through my notes, but they make no sense. I tried to do some writing, but the blank page was too strong. I can't bring myself to even start the hunt for something to read.

The best I can do is accept that this is OK. I don't need to be doing anything. I can stop.

further ponderings on my research topic

Picture the scene. A busy restaurant, a long table. Not a family outing, a work meal. What is the collective noun for a group of ESOL tutors?

I was sat around the middle of the table, opposite my fellow CELTA tutors. Looking to my right I noticed everyone, yes everyone, had completed their CELTA with us and when I pointed this out to my colleague he looked to the other half of the room to find that everyone, bar TWO people, had completed either the CELTA of the DTE(E)LLS with us. What's the collective noun for a home grown group of ESOL tutors?

Over the years, as new tutors have joined the team, it has become increasingly rare for our CELTA graduates to get jobs within the college, and with the removal of the need to gain the DT(E)LLS the ratio of home gown to externally trained teachers has shifted. Until this year, when I am so delighted that two graduates from the last cohort have joined the ESOL team.

This reminiscing brings me to my EdD. I am at the proposal writing stage, so two questions at the forefront of my thinking are 'What do I want to research and what will be the original contribution?'

Up until this morning, central in my thoughts was the use of syncronised chat in teaching practice. I am drawn to this for several reasons. It is something new, it's directly related to my practice & it involves a technology that I believe creates opportunities for learning which wouldn't exist if the technology didn't exist. After three meetings with my supervisor, I was finally able to hear her advice that this was not big enough for a doctoral study. I needed to position this use of technology more broadly and this fit with the reading I'd been doing on models of teacher education and the role of observation and reflective practice. My draft research questions are:

• Are teacher education courses able to develop teachers' reflective skills?
• Does the CELTA course facilitate reflective thinking?
• Does syncronised chat during TP influence reflective thinking/conversations, if so, how?

With this in mind, I have continued reading, reading, reading and this has taken me in all sorts of directions: lesson study; peer observation in HE; philosophies and histories of teacher education; and a continued hunt for studies on the CELTA.

Then, yesterday, I looked back over the CELTA articles I'd  already found and saw there was a gap in the literature relating to CELTA graduates, and what research has been done relates to graduates working internationally. Which has got me thinking about the UK FE context. As yet I have not found anything on CELTA graduates who transition into the UK ESOL profession.

This sounds really exciting and a potential research question could be 'How do graduates from a part time CELTA transition into English Language Teaching in the UK?'

BUT ......

this does not lend itself to action research. This past 12 months I have felt the pull/push of action research and the struggles of putting the research question before the methodology. Which brings me back to what has drawn me to the questions about reflective practice, observation and the use of syncronised chat in TP. I can see how this would fit an action research methodology.

And to be honest, I am now starting to feel very nervous that the vast amount of reading I've done, rather than help me narrow down my research questions is opening up more and more. The enormity of it all is looming large.

Be Brave. Musings from #BrewEdFE 2019

#BrewEdFE brought together the different facets of my FE life. For Teacher Education there were my colleagues from the University of Huddersfield; there was my fellow ATLC; and from college it was a delight to see a maths contingency. From outside of 'work', there was also a smattering of the FE-HE hybrid Twitterati, and it was fabulous to catch up with one of my earliest Twitter friends.

I first chatted to Dr Alison Iredale on Twitter in those early days when we didn't really know what a #hashtag was for. It was at a conference some time around 2010. I don't recall which one, but it will undoubtedly have been something on learning technologies. Back then I either went to ESOL or tech events and NATECLA and the RSC-YH were prominent supporters of my CPD activity.

Meeting her again at #BrewEdFE we reminisced on our first meeting. She recalled what I was wearing and I remember her blue dress. It's a story I've told many times when I've been trying to 'sell' the power of Twitter to others. I know it's not a unique story because this is what makes the combination of Twitter and Conferences so great, but as I said this was the early days of Twitter and you know what they say about The First Time.  Here's my version of the story.

We were chatting (on Twitter) during a workshop at this conference. We agreed to try to actually find each other during the break and shared what we were wearing. My colleague was sitting next to me and as the 'I'm wearing a blue dress' pinged through, he tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the person in a blue dress next to me.

Hearing her talk at #BrewEdFE it felt that she was talking directly to me. She spoke about engaging in Brave Research, which resonated with the practitioner research group I attended at ReimagineFE last year. Attending ReimagineFE was one was Those Moments last year that put me on the path to my EdD.

I'm now a year, and three modules, in to my EdD. I am reading reading reading like crazy, trying to get a grasp on what I want to study, where this fits into the current field and find the gap that will be my original contribution. My aims are like a rainbow, at times bright and colourful for all to see only then to fade and dim then disappear leaving a faint memory of what was and could be. I'm trying to be a Good Researcher, to find out what I want to study before finding the methodology that will allow me to answer the question.

Yet I am forever drawn to action research, which means putting method before question, and Alison has reminded me that this is where I need to be Brave. It is going to be difficult, so difficult that right now it's not something I'm even able to articulate to myself let alone to others. It's like 'time' - you know exactly what time is, until you come to have to explain it. My personal biography is an important aspect that I need to draw and reflect upon. Thank you to the organizers of #BrewEdFE for bringing such a range of FE, HE and Inbetweeners together & for providing this valuable space which is helping me on my path to becoming a practitioner researcher.

flexing my writing muscles

Grow your own writing practice is a very timely post from Patter, as this is the very issue I am grappling with – developing my writing skills.

I’ve been very organised with my EdD-ing, ensuring I set aside regular time to read, and longer chunks of time for writing. I’d always seen the writing ‘part’ linked to the assignments, and this is one of things that had drawn me to the EdD. However, I’ve also kept a journal, this was the section where I would muse over what I was thinking about and at points in the year I’d read it and this helped me keep a handle on where I was and where I’d been. This provided me with reassurances that I was on track. But then I struggled with reading it. It seemed waffly and unhelpful. So I stopped writing in it. This was about the time I was writing assignment three, and since then I’ve struggled with this aspect of writing.

So once again, with the rain cancelling the planned tennis, I find I have a small window before I head into the gym instead.  Coffee is brewed, laptop opened and I am not 100% sure what I’m going to do with this unexpected opportunity. I open my email to find the latest Patter post has popped into my inbox. It’s as good a place as any to start.

The post reminds me that there are many aspects to writing. I cannot limit my writing to assignments or the thesis, or to note-taking and I need to step out of my comfort zone in both these areas. I’m already making some changes with my note-taking which is forcing me to be more disciplined in my thinking. This of course is challenging! I find myself struggling so I procrastinate then I berate myself for not doing the thinking/writing that I should be doing. But I can’t quite put my finger on the kind of writing I should be doing. On I go in unhelpful circles.

I need to snap out of it. Carving out time to work on my writing skills is just as valuable as ensuring I’m working on my lit review.  I need to build routines to include writing notes, summaries and chunks for my supervisor. I will take Patter's advice and ensure I take time out to flex my writing muscles.

writing and thinking: yet more navel gazing procrastination

Writing and thinking. Thinking and writing. I am really struggling with this. I’m feeling the pull of the laptop, the pull to be drafting the literature review for my proposal. I have read a lot over the summer. My supervisor recognised this and sent me away to start writing, asking to see me again in three weeks. We’re coming up to that point.

Why the struggle? It’s a somewhat sunny Sunday morning. Waking early I think, oh, writing time. Then comes the procrastination. A podcast while continuing to snooze. A quick game of Clash Royale. Some reading about a TV show we’re (slowly) binge watching. Finally out of bed. Still early, everyone else asleep. Coffee and a dilemma.

Where and what to write?

For the past year I have kept a research diary. In a nod to the ‘Dear diary’, I start each entry with some scene setting, then I write and see where my thoughts take me. It’s located in the back of my note book. I find the scene-setting helpful when reading it back, it reminds me of where I was and what I was thinking at that time.

I haven’t written in it so much recently. I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount I was writing and the purpose of this time. I also have a new notebook, smaller this time, with dots rather than lines. Easier to carry around, but I’m not feeling the love.

So here I am with the laptop, clearly not writing my literature review, but writing at least. I enjoy writing; I have enjoyed the physical act of writing with pen and paper, I also enjoy writing on a screen too. Which is the key issue. When I write with a pen, what I think I write. It is very verbose, no editing, but I am my own audience. When I type, there is another audience and the need for editing.

What is it I am finding so hard with getting down to it? I’m feeling pretty organised. Notes are well organised. Articles safely accessible in Acrobat reader. The Summons shortcut for speedy access to useful citations. I have the outline of a structure. I even have about 2500 words, and now as I write this I am wanting to have a stern word with myself. Yet I can’t really put my finger on why I am writing this self-indulgent, procrastinating nonsense, when I could have been usefully thinking about where my research ideas fit within my field of study.

So there we are. An hour spent thinking  and writing about why I am not thinking about and writing my literature review. The house is awake. Family time and a swimming gala, back to work tomorrow. The PhD life?

writing and blogging: useful thinking time and procrastination

Memory is a slippery creature. It took until Friday to remember that the beginning of September takes some adjusting to, and it’s not always something we manage well. 2019 is no exception, and being away at a conference at the back end of the first week of term has not helped.

Just one week ago I was feel incredibly positive about the EdD in particular, about work and about the balance in my life. In just one short week, that has gone to pot. On the whole work is good. I have a good timetable, a new course to get my teeth into and I attended a conference on Thursday for a project I’m working on which was a great start to the year. Inspired by being in a room of equally enthusiast FE practitioners talking about their ideas for how they can improve practice & creating research projects so results can be evaluated and shared across the sector.

Home life is a little more challenging, with the re-aligning of roles back from school holidays into term time routines. I am feeling the squeeze here, particularly the squeeze to fit in the EdD. The plan to spend some time writing this weekend has not materialised, but at least this weekend the procrastination has paid off with a clean house.

So I am sat in a sun filled, sparkling living room with every intention of getting down to some writing. But I went to bed last night feeling some tightness in my chest and have woken this morning to full blown cold. Headache, sore throat, chesty. One more memory rushing back, that of the Back to Work Bug. In an attempt to power on through I got out my work from last week, when I was riding the high of my supervisor meeting and her suggestion I started to draft the literature review for my proposal. But my attempt to sketch out a tiny text on this may as well have been written in Chinese, I just cannot get a grasp of what I am wanting to say, or really focus on how to move forward.

So, in a bid to be mildly productive, I am writing this blog, in a hope to kick start my brain.

writing and blogging. useful thinking time or procrastination

Writing and blogging continue to be two things that don't fully come together for me.  I stopped regularly blogging in 2014, cathywint.co.uk sitting quietly untouched, but not silently. Occasionally it gives a little squeak "post something", and so I start to draft something but rarely get around to actually writing it and posting it.

Even now, as I sit overlookng the garden with a cup of tea and chocolate bun, messily baked by two 12 year olds on their last day of the summer holidays, the blank page is staring at me. I tell myself that procrastination is one reason I don't blog. If I have the luxury of time to think and write I should be writing productively, which currently is for my EdD. I'm entering year 2, I have three modules under my belt and I'm so excited by my research idea that I sacrificed my usual summer of fiction for articles on teacher development, EFL and reflective practice. I've met with my supervisor who in just two meetings has been so amazing, helping to steer me through my hodgepodge of thoughts and notes.

When thinking about blogging, having a view of audience is also a struggle. I've taken a step back from social media in my personal life as well as my professional life, occasionally lurking while rarely contributing. I am hyper sensitive to my professional image online and I don't fully understand where this comes from, which makes it impossible to write about. Every time I find myself thinking about a possible blog post I end of arguing with myself about whether I should be blogging or not. This is procrastination at its worst, I don't even get a clean house out of it.

I attended a post-grad session on visual elicitation methods, with a focus on the Pictor technique, tree metaphor, photo elicitation and time lines. We got to try out two methods and I drew this tree in response to the broad question of 'your experience as a post-graduate researcher'.

My drawing surprised me on several levels. I was as surprised by the things I didn't include as I focused on my research topic rather than my broader experiences. I was surprised by the simplistic complexity of the tree and also surprised by how surprised I was. The tree represents how excited I am by my research project as it brings together all the aspects of my practice that I love: action research, technology, ESOL and teacher education. For many many years I have pondered doing a doctorate but never really known what I wanted to research and the joy of the EdD has been that it has given me a year working on the modules to find a research project I can work on for the next four years.

Has this blog post been procrastination or useful writing time. Or something else? The cupckake and tea were very tasty and I've enjoyed the time and space to think and write. I find that when I hand write in my journal I can be a bit waffley as I write and write with no re-drafting. Writing here, I've been much more considered with plenty of re-reading and re-drafting. This is closer to the kind of writing I need to be doing for my proposal, which is what I should be working on now. Yet when I started this, I didn't know that I would end up reflecting on the visual elicitation methods session and looking back at my notes from this I've found some nice ideas I've had for the CELTA course this year. So productive time afterall.

'A story' or 'THE story' - Out of the ontological closet

I have a story to tell. It's my story but it involves others, so it's their story too. But I'm going to be telling this story, my words, my narrative. Heavily influenced, but mine all the same.

It is A story. Not THE story. This is important. I don't believe, and can't believe, that it could ever be THE story. A different narrator would create a different story, even if the same 'others' were involved.

When I started the EdD I gave up reading stories, or thought I had. I rationalized that novels were a luxury that had to go, along with playing hockey. Classes at the gym replaced the hockey, and academic reading replaced novels. I stepped fully into the 'non-fiction' aisle.

A question from the first set text has stayed with me:"What must be added to a story to make it scholarship?"

It seems there is no clear answer to this. Such a person says it should be this. So-and-So says it should be something else. A.N. Other disagrees with both. To a seasoned teacher, but novice researcher, like myself I have found this incredibly frustrating. Have some people really got nothing better to do with their time. Better stories to tell.

Having said that I have found some of the reading on the philosophy of education and interesting. I particularly enjoyed the dialogue between Socrates and G.O.D. in Garry Potter's 'the philosophy of social science'. For a while I was drawn to critical realism. I appreciated  what I understand to be the pragmatic nature of it, although some of the finer details elude me at this stage.

Reflecting on this question of 'A story' or 'THE story'. I don't think that, even through our imperfect gaze, that there is a 'THE story' to be discovered, as if 'THE story' exists somewhere, hovering, waiting to pounce.

So there, I've said it. I am a relativist. I have a story to tell. It will be my story. With hard work I will make it scholarly, the first step being to justify my position.

This could very possible end up being the Never Ending Story (cue Limahl)

Through the Adventure Portal

I have started my Doctorate. Another adventure. The difference with this adventure is that I get to stay at home. No packing, no planes, no goodbyes. But lots of hellos. New people to adventure with. And as with past adventures, new diaries to write. The last diary I wrote was when I was teaching in China. Some of it was in Chinese, which means I can't understand my own writing any more. Some of the things I'm writing about now I'm not sure I understand at the moment, never mind if I come back to it in 18 years time.
Yes, I returned from China 18 years ago. Back to the UK, experiencing the culture shock of having to walk on the pavement and not have people stare at me. Starting work in a small college in West Yorkshire, teaching beginner ICT before nudging my way into the ESOL department and then Teacher Education.
It is time for new adventures. The universe aligned itself and I find myself a module and a half into an EdD. I've been writing a lot, for the assignment, note-taking and the above mentioned diary. I've enjoyed the paper-ness of the diary. The flow of the gel pens while curled up on the sofa, squeezed into the viewing gallery of the local pool or the complete indulgence of sitting in a pub with a pint and my thoughts.
I have been a Lurker for many years. Hovering in Twitter but happily not contributing. But I know this has to change. What would be the point of doing the EdD and not sharing what I'm doing. I already feel it is quite a self-indulgent act. Studying when I should be being Mum, Wife, hockey player.
My current question is: What influences a teacher's decision to, or not to use, digital technologies in the classroom. It's already changed from when I first applied, and I am sure it will change again. I'm interested in teacher education, agency and decision-making. Whatever the question turns in to, I need to buckle up and enjoy the ride. This could be a bumpy one.

breathing, control and work/life balance

At Tai Chi this week the teacher talked about the importance of breathing. There are not many things in this life that we can genuinely do without - food and water being the obvious ones - but oxygen. We're not going to last many minutes without that!

He talked about the importance of being able to control the breathe and how what was inside us was a microcosm, with everything else out there being the macrocosm.  When we learn to control ourselves - our breathe - then we may start to have a chance to have control over other things.

It made me think about the choices we make as teachers and the notion of professionalism. So often we feel 'done to', the analogy of FE as the Cinderella sector and the politicians 'play ground'. Like breathing, we take change for granted and this pace of change feels to keep speeding up, uncontrollably so.  With so much change being imposed upon us & with the seemingly never ending increase of work to do, we are just too busy to stop and notice, never mind start to think about taking some control of it. 

Taking a survey on work related stress today, the question that stood out for me was:

How many days a week do you take an uninterrupted break of more than 20 minutes (eg, without seeing students, preparing lessons, checking emails, etc)

the answer is: zero (although on occasional Tuesdays I have been know to have an actual tea break - but only since evening classes finished)

In my quest to recognise my work/life balance, and trying to take some control over my professionalism, I had been feeling quite accepting that I had a good balance. I felt that on the whole I arrived in, and left, work 'on time'. Experience has taught me that, if I need to work additional time in a week that I negotiate time in lieu for this within that week. Left any longer, this flexibility on my part will be 'forgotten' and the time would not be given back to me. 

But this question in the survey has me re-thinking this. If you add up my time in work, minus the break time that we (by law?) are required to take, then I pretty much work my 33.5 contracted hours. However, take that break time out (because in reality it isn't taken), and add the 30 mins early I arrive into work most days, then suddenly I am working 37 hours. 

Now, I don't think there would be a teacher anywhere that wouldn't admit to spending time at home marking. This seems to be an accepted part of the role and certainly something that I regularly do. It certainly isn't something I do every week, but when you have a class of 16 students (and this is a small class for many now) with assignments that average 30 mins to mark (and that's usually just the good ones), there's a full days work in marking per assignment. 

The other 'work' activity I do at home is what would very probably be classed as CPD activity - the reading, the professional discussions on Twitter and Yammer. As with the marking, the amount of this I do varies but it is certainly not something whilst 'at work' but is certainly something that my employer benefits from, even if they don't recognise it. 

Now, I have been told throughout my career that I have pretty good time management skills & I felt that it had been positively noted that I did a good job within my contracted hours. When asked how much work I do at home I usually say very little, which maybe says something about how I identify marking and CPD activity in terms of my job/profession. However, in my recent ponderings of my work/life balance I had been feeling that this had changed. Recently, when mentioned at work, it has felt more of a back handed compliment - a kind of 'how can you go home on time when I can't' and I have felt that there is a view that I don't pull my weight somehow.

My college has a 'Top Employee Award', where anyone in the college can nominate anyone else for being Awesome. Of course, in principle it's a nice idea. The more the college can do to recognise and reward staff the better & if this comes from peers then excellent. But looking at the (fairly long) list of nominees one month, it struck me that the names of the people I recognised were people who were known to put 200% into their job. They are the first in the office and the last out. Talk about the weekend is met with a rye smile as they say 'what weekend? I've so much marking.' Staff who have continued to 'work from home', while officially having called in sick (work-related stress maybe??)

It got me thinking about how there should be an Award for Efficiency. The buzz word of the moment is 'efficiency savings' so lets apply this to a working week. The Award would go to the staff who worked their contracted hours (only), took appropriate breaks (away from a desk, and even possibly away from the building!), didn't work from home - and still managed to do their job. In this kind of efficiency saving which aspects of the job could be cut? 

But back to the breathe. The thing our bodies do, unconsciously. My tai chi teacher talks about the health benefits of the dao yin exercises, but you can't learn to control the breathe unless you first become aware of the breathe. Telling my partner this week about how I was feeling about my work/life balance, and that I thought I didn't do a lot of work at home, he gave a little snort and a sideways glance. I got defensive and said I wasn't unhappy with the amount of work I did at home -  but maybe I am not as conscious of this as I think I am. I still have plenty of work to do to become aware of, and take control of, this & how this links to my view of myself as a professional and the boundaries of my professional practice. 

Pedagogy, politics and p....... (let's not let it be paperwork)

It was at the a NATECLA Y&H regional conference in 2012 that Rob Pertrell and Mel Cooke delivered their keynote speak titled Pedagogy, Politics and Professionalism. The event was a bit of a blurr for me, not only was I feeling the pressure of being on the organising committee, I was also delivering a workshop. I remembered the three P's from the key note - but always struggled to quite remember what they were!! Pedagogy and Politics I remembered but the third P always seemed to elude me.

I'm feeling a rather large slice of irony in not recalling Professionalism as the third P. So much of what I do is tied to this. Attending a Management Council meeting for NATECLA I recall talking to a fellow ESOL tutor about motives for being involved with NATECLA. For me it has always been very much around organising the conferences - I've always shied away from the more explicit political lobbying. Even during the development of the ESOL manifesto and Action for ESOL I wasn't actually teaching an ESOL class & didn't really get involved.

Professionalism for me is about having freedoms to explore new things, to be able to take risks and figure out what works best for my students. But I've never been good at doing this on my own & I've always been so lucky to work with enthusiastic ESOL teachers. Attending conferences is an extension of this, as is being engaging in Twitter, and it's good to be being reminded of this.

Reading Rob's chapter in the Twelve Dancing Princesses made me feel proud. It made me feel proud to be an ESOL teacher, to be an ESOL teacher trainer. It made me proud to be a part of NATECLA - a strong, professional organisation run by such passionate ESOL tutors, researchers and managers. It made me feel proud of the students & what they stood up for.

It's good to be reminded of this. All the more important in these difficult times; hearing one tutor talk about how it took more than half a day to register students for exams due to the complexities of all their needs and the forms needed to be complete. Seeing another tutor spending almost an hour to complete a time sheet - an hourly paid lecturer - matching the time sheet to the registers before the college would pay. Spending time outside of class re-writing ILPs to make them SMART & discussing the irony of how the more involved a student becomes in the process the harder it is to meet the college demands on specific phrasing.

While I ponder on why I wasn't/aren't more actively engaged in the P for Politics I have to remind myself that we mustn't let that final P be for Paperwork.

What am I assuming is stopping me writing

Thank you to the ever fabulous @Teachnorthern for asking this question. Here we go.
I spend quite a lot of time drafting possible blog posts in my head. At some point during my inner musings I get to the point where I think 'am I ever going to actually write this'. Then I start musing about why I'm not writing anymore. I have even had conversations about how many blog posts I've drafted in my head about why I can't write.

Sitting and writing. Of course this is the crunch. So let me set the scene. Today is Thursday. My 'day off'. The sun is shining. I am sitting under a large umbrella at the picnic table in my garden. I have a cup of coffee and a current teacake. Breakfast no. 2. Resting under my laptop is a large piece of paper where I have scribbled some layout ideas on how to create a wall display at work for my iPad project this year. Next to this is a very very new copy of Further Education and the Twelve Dancing Princesses which I received yesterday. On the bus home last night I started with the chapter by the Ever Fabulous @teachnorthern and Jane Weatherby.

In this chapter Jane says "I always used to think you had to grow cynical and then grow out of it in order to survive" (p. 68) This once again got me thinking about why I have become such a reluctant writer. It's not just that I've not written a post on this blog, but I hardly ever use Twitter and I certainly don't engage in dialogue there like I used to. But I know that my Twitter-buddies are still there. I have become a Mini Lurker. I will occasionally retweet something, but predominantly I lurk and read.
So I posted about being excited about the book. I think it is completely amazing that I am reading a publication by people I know and have lived through what they are saying (so far I've read Lou's and Rob Peutrell's chapter on Action for ESOL) This started a conversation with Lou with ended with her asking the above question.

I had no set plans for today other than the usual Take Child To School, Walk Dog, Potter Around House, Have Lunch With Bloke. While walking through the wood I once again found myself drafting a post about why I am not writing & musing about whether I would actual write something today. The dilemma seems to be thus:

This is my day off. How am I going to choose to spend my time. Work or non-work related activity? I don't think this is a straight dichotomy. Some things, such as marking, definitely sits in the 'work' section. But reading - where does this sit? I like reading, and I usually have a variety of books on the go. Currently I am reading a novel, a popular science book on maths and of course The Dancing Princesses. There are also online reading activity to consider - have a lurk around Twitter or read the Guardian? So even in my reading I have work/non-work choices.

This links to writing. I don't really have any non-work writing activity. So when I write I am always a little aware that it's 'work'. But I enjoy writing. I like the clarity I get from 'thinking through my fingers'. I am always aware of being professional online & the digital footprint I leave. I have purposefully kept my maiden name at work but used my married name for social media activity. This was my attempt to separate my professional online identity from my employment.  I make it very clear in my blog that views are my own, there is no link at all to the college I work at & I don't promote my blog to my students.

But of course there is a link to my paid employer. I use the blog to reflect on my teaching. Once I made a wordle of my blog and ESOL came out as the most commonly used word. I predominantly wrote about my ESOL classes rather than my teacher ed classes. But last year I wrote a reflective post about the highs and lows of teaching a teacher ed class. I used no names but a student found the post, recognised themselves and put in a formal complaint to the college.

When the student first mentioned the post my heart sank. They were clearly upset but I couldn't remember writing anything. My initial response was to say that my blogging activity was not related to my college work and it was not something I would discuss. Following the meeting I went straight to the office to find the post they was referring to and showed it to my (then) line manager. I was reassured that there was nothing untoward and told not don't worry.

But I did worry. I never meant to cause offense so when I came home I started to re-draft the post but actually decided it was best to take the whole thing down. I struggled to know how to deal with the complaint. It was hard to know if it was best to say the blog was not related to the college, the college wasn't mentioned, nor was the student named. I had all sorts of arguments in my head about how unfair this was. I never never meant to cause offense, I was reflecting on the course and actually most of the post had been very upbeat and positive. What I did come to realise is that there is an ethics issue with blog writing. When undertaking practitioner research my ethics statement makes it clear that tutors and students involved in the project volunteer to do so and can withdraw at any time. With blog writing, is there an ethics issue if students don't know they are being written about - even if they are anonynised. All the times I reflected on my ESOL teaching, the chances of my ESOL students reading it were very slim. Through the Digital Literacies course I ran I didn't blog about the classes as I was very aware I was delivering to my colleagues and didn't feel comfortable publicly reflecting about it. As the balance of my teaching has shifted more into teacher ed and out of ESOL I have less and less chances to blog.

Following the complaint I felt like my blog didn't belong to me anymore, it had moved from something I did to enhance my professional practice to something that was owned by the college. This pulled my writing activity from a blur between personal and work activity clearly into 'work'. I also think that as there has become a greater and greater workload while 'in' work I have started to feel resentful that I spend my valuable personal time on work related activity - that gets NO acknowledgement at all (but without I couldn't do my job as well as I do)
I tried to take control of this by shifting things around on the blog but I had a strong urge to shut it down. I even asked my husband to do this (his company hosts the site for me) but he (probably rightly) told me I should leave it and think on it. And so continue the circular arguments about whether I want to write or not. Last night I even wondered if I want to start afresh. Shut this down. Start a new blog.

So back to my day off. Before leaving to take the dog out I scribbled some ideas for a wall display onto a large sheet of paper. My rational for this was that if I got the ideas onto paper before I left I wouldn't spend the walk thinking about it. Returning from my dog walk I continued to debate with myself To Write or Not To Write. I busied myself with a bit of gardening, I pottered around my kitchen & had a bit of a sort out. I tried to put to the back of my mind how much marking I had to do & resolved to not do such 'work' work. Definitely not. Reading was an option - and The Dancing Princesses are singing quietly to me - and of course writing. Would I write on my practitioner-research blog (certainly closer to 'work') or write here.

Or create a new blog.

OK, decision made. Lunch time.