taking time to stop

Since starting the EdD I've taken a pragmatic approach to time, reflecting on what I've had to stop doing (playing hockey, gardening, reading novels) to fit in the study time. During one of the early EdD sessions, I recall the guest speaker (a recent graduate) talked about how often he would be spending time with his family, sharing physical space with them, but often his mind was elsewhere. Thinking about his doctorate.

I recognise this. Do this, do that, get the jobs done in order to find the time to read and write and think. Another memory of being told a doctorate is one of the most self indulgent things you can do, that it's about having an intense relationship with yourself.

I'm reflecting on this busy-ness now, because this week I've stopped. I've stopped doing. I've started being. I've been with my family. We have shared time and space. No decisions beyond the immediacy of the next moment. Collect the car. Pick up something for tea. What time should we meet tomorrow? An unexpected bereavement has brought us all together. Nothing more important than being together.

And so we find ourselves in limbo. That time between the immediate shock of the loss and the goodbye of the funeral. Taking each day as it comes. Picking up everyday routines while navigating the waves of the loss.

Yet now I find myself with some time, with no obligation to others. An opportunity to pick up the reading, writing, thinking. I have the time but not the space. No head space for thinking, not with any kind of clarity. I've read through my notes, but they make no sense. I tried to do some writing, but the blank page was too strong. I can't bring myself to even start the hunt for something to read.

The best I can do is accept that this is OK. I don't need to be doing anything. I can stop.