Be Brave. Musings from #BrewEdFE 2019

#BrewEdFE brought together the different facets of my FE life. For Teacher Education there were my colleagues from the University of Huddersfield; there was my fellow ATLC; and from college it was a delight to see a maths contingency. From outside of 'work', there was also a smattering of the FE-HE hybrid Twitterati, and it was fabulous to catch up with one of my earliest Twitter friends.

I first chatted to Dr Alison Iredale on Twitter in those early days when we didn't really know what a #hashtag was for. It was at a conference some time around 2010. I don't recall which one, but it will undoubtedly have been something on learning technologies. Back then I either went to ESOL or tech events and NATECLA and the RSC-YH were prominent supporters of my CPD activity.

Meeting her again at #BrewEdFE we reminisced on our first meeting. She recalled what I was wearing and I remember her blue dress. It's a story I've told many times when I've been trying to 'sell' the power of Twitter to others. I know it's not a unique story because this is what makes the combination of Twitter and Conferences so great, but as I said this was the early days of Twitter and you know what they say about The First Time.  Here's my version of the story.

We were chatting (on Twitter) during a workshop at this conference. We agreed to try to actually find each other during the break and shared what we were wearing. My colleague was sitting next to me and as the 'I'm wearing a blue dress' pinged through, he tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the person in a blue dress next to me.

Hearing her talk at #BrewEdFE it felt that she was talking directly to me. She spoke about engaging in Brave Research, which resonated with the practitioner research group I attended at ReimagineFE last year. Attending ReimagineFE was one was Those Moments last year that put me on the path to my EdD.

I'm now a year, and three modules, in to my EdD. I am reading reading reading like crazy, trying to get a grasp on what I want to study, where this fits into the current field and find the gap that will be my original contribution. My aims are like a rainbow, at times bright and colourful for all to see only then to fade and dim then disappear leaving a faint memory of what was and could be. I'm trying to be a Good Researcher, to find out what I want to study before finding the methodology that will allow me to answer the question.

Yet I am forever drawn to action research, which means putting method before question, and Alison has reminded me that this is where I need to be Brave. It is going to be difficult, so difficult that right now it's not something I'm even able to articulate to myself let alone to others. It's like 'time' - you know exactly what time is, until you come to have to explain it. My personal biography is an important aspect that I need to draw and reflect upon. Thank you to the organizers of #BrewEdFE for bringing such a range of FE, HE and Inbetweeners together & for providing this valuable space which is helping me on my path to becoming a practitioner researcher.

flexing my writing muscles

Grow your own writing practice is a very timely post from Patter, as this is the very issue I am grappling with – developing my writing skills.

I’ve been very organised with my EdD-ing, ensuring I set aside regular time to read, and longer chunks of time for writing. I’d always seen the writing ‘part’ linked to the assignments, and this is one of things that had drawn me to the EdD. However, I’ve also kept a journal, this was the section where I would muse over what I was thinking about and at points in the year I’d read it and this helped me keep a handle on where I was and where I’d been. This provided me with reassurances that I was on track. But then I struggled with reading it. It seemed waffly and unhelpful. So I stopped writing in it. This was about the time I was writing assignment three, and since then I’ve struggled with this aspect of writing.

So once again, with the rain cancelling the planned tennis, I find I have a small window before I head into the gym instead.  Coffee is brewed, laptop opened and I am not 100% sure what I’m going to do with this unexpected opportunity. I open my email to find the latest Patter post has popped into my inbox. It’s as good a place as any to start.

The post reminds me that there are many aspects to writing. I cannot limit my writing to assignments or the thesis, or to note-taking and I need to step out of my comfort zone in both these areas. I’m already making some changes with my note-taking which is forcing me to be more disciplined in my thinking. This of course is challenging! I find myself struggling so I procrastinate then I berate myself for not doing the thinking/writing that I should be doing. But I can’t quite put my finger on the kind of writing I should be doing. On I go in unhelpful circles.

I need to snap out of it. Carving out time to work on my writing skills is just as valuable as ensuring I’m working on my lit review.  I need to build routines to include writing notes, summaries and chunks for my supervisor. I will take Patter's advice and ensure I take time out to flex my writing muscles.

writing and thinking: yet more navel gazing procrastination

Writing and thinking. Thinking and writing. I am really struggling with this. I’m feeling the pull of the laptop, the pull to be drafting the literature review for my proposal. I have read a lot over the summer. My supervisor recognised this and sent me away to start writing, asking to see me again in three weeks. We’re coming up to that point.

Why the struggle? It’s a somewhat sunny Sunday morning. Waking early I think, oh, writing time. Then comes the procrastination. A podcast while continuing to snooze. A quick game of Clash Royale. Some reading about a TV show we’re (slowly) binge watching. Finally out of bed. Still early, everyone else asleep. Coffee and a dilemma.

Where and what to write?

For the past year I have kept a research diary. In a nod to the ‘Dear diary’, I start each entry with some scene setting, then I write and see where my thoughts take me. It’s located in the back of my note book. I find the scene-setting helpful when reading it back, it reminds me of where I was and what I was thinking at that time.

I haven’t written in it so much recently. I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount I was writing and the purpose of this time. I also have a new notebook, smaller this time, with dots rather than lines. Easier to carry around, but I’m not feeling the love.

So here I am with the laptop, clearly not writing my literature review, but writing at least. I enjoy writing; I have enjoyed the physical act of writing with pen and paper, I also enjoy writing on a screen too. Which is the key issue. When I write with a pen, what I think I write. It is very verbose, no editing, but I am my own audience. When I type, there is another audience and the need for editing.

What is it I am finding so hard with getting down to it? I’m feeling pretty organised. Notes are well organised. Articles safely accessible in Acrobat reader. The Summons shortcut for speedy access to useful citations. I have the outline of a structure. I even have about 2500 words, and now as I write this I am wanting to have a stern word with myself. Yet I can’t really put my finger on why I am writing this self-indulgent, procrastinating nonsense, when I could have been usefully thinking about where my research ideas fit within my field of study.

So there we are. An hour spent thinking  and writing about why I am not thinking about and writing my literature review. The house is awake. Family time and a swimming gala, back to work tomorrow. The PhD life?

writing and blogging: useful thinking time and procrastination

Memory is a slippery creature. It took until Friday to remember that the beginning of September takes some adjusting to, and it’s not always something we manage well. 2019 is no exception, and being away at a conference at the back end of the first week of term has not helped.

Just one week ago I was feel incredibly positive about the EdD in particular, about work and about the balance in my life. In just one short week, that has gone to pot. On the whole work is good. I have a good timetable, a new course to get my teeth into and I attended a conference on Thursday for a project I’m working on which was a great start to the year. Inspired by being in a room of equally enthusiast FE practitioners talking about their ideas for how they can improve practice & creating research projects so results can be evaluated and shared across the sector.

Home life is a little more challenging, with the re-aligning of roles back from school holidays into term time routines. I am feeling the squeeze here, particularly the squeeze to fit in the EdD. The plan to spend some time writing this weekend has not materialised, but at least this weekend the procrastination has paid off with a clean house.

So I am sat in a sun filled, sparkling living room with every intention of getting down to some writing. But I went to bed last night feeling some tightness in my chest and have woken this morning to full blown cold. Headache, sore throat, chesty. One more memory rushing back, that of the Back to Work Bug. In an attempt to power on through I got out my work from last week, when I was riding the high of my supervisor meeting and her suggestion I started to draft the literature review for my proposal. But my attempt to sketch out a tiny text on this may as well have been written in Chinese, I just cannot get a grasp of what I am wanting to say, or really focus on how to move forward.

So, in a bid to be mildly productive, I am writing this blog, in a hope to kick start my brain.

writing and blogging. useful thinking time or procrastination

Writing and blogging continue to be two things that don't fully come together for me.  I stopped regularly blogging in 2014, cathywint.co.uk sitting quietly untouched, but not silently. Occasionally it gives a little squeak "post something", and so I start to draft something but rarely get around to actually writing it and posting it.

Even now, as I sit overlookng the garden with a cup of tea and chocolate bun, messily baked by two 12 year olds on their last day of the summer holidays, the blank page is staring at me. I tell myself that procrastination is one reason I don't blog. If I have the luxury of time to think and write I should be writing productively, which currently is for my EdD. I'm entering year 2, I have three modules under my belt and I'm so excited by my research idea that I sacrificed my usual summer of fiction for articles on teacher development, EFL and reflective practice. I've met with my supervisor who in just two meetings has been so amazing, helping to steer me through my hodgepodge of thoughts and notes.

When thinking about blogging, having a view of audience is also a struggle. I've taken a step back from social media in my personal life as well as my professional life, occasionally lurking while rarely contributing. I am hyper sensitive to my professional image online and I don't fully understand where this comes from, which makes it impossible to write about. Every time I find myself thinking about a possible blog post I end of arguing with myself about whether I should be blogging or not. This is procrastination at its worst, I don't even get a clean house out of it.

I attended a post-grad session on visual elicitation methods, with a focus on the Pictor technique, tree metaphor, photo elicitation and time lines. We got to try out two methods and I drew this tree in response to the broad question of 'your experience as a post-graduate researcher'.

My drawing surprised me on several levels. I was as surprised by the things I didn't include as I focused on my research topic rather than my broader experiences. I was surprised by the simplistic complexity of the tree and also surprised by how surprised I was. The tree represents how excited I am by my research project as it brings together all the aspects of my practice that I love: action research, technology, ESOL and teacher education. For many many years I have pondered doing a doctorate but never really known what I wanted to research and the joy of the EdD has been that it has given me a year working on the modules to find a research project I can work on for the next four years.

Has this blog post been procrastination or useful writing time. Or something else? The cupckake and tea were very tasty and I've enjoyed the time and space to think and write. I find that when I hand write in my journal I can be a bit waffley as I write and write with no re-drafting. Writing here, I've been much more considered with plenty of re-reading and re-drafting. This is closer to the kind of writing I need to be doing for my proposal, which is what I should be working on now. Yet when I started this, I didn't know that I would end up reflecting on the visual elicitation methods session and looking back at my notes from this I've found some nice ideas I've had for the CELTA course this year. So productive time afterall.

'A story' or 'THE story' - Out of the ontological closet

I have a story to tell. It's my story but it involves others, so it's their story too. But I'm going to be telling this story, my words, my narrative. Heavily influenced, but mine all the same.

It is A story. Not THE story. This is important. I don't believe, and can't believe, that it could ever be THE story. A different narrator would create a different story, even if the same 'others' were involved.

When I started the EdD I gave up reading stories, or thought I had. I rationalized that novels were a luxury that had to go, along with playing hockey. Classes at the gym replaced the hockey, and academic reading replaced novels. I stepped fully into the 'non-fiction' aisle.

A question from the first set text has stayed with me:"What must be added to a story to make it scholarship?"

It seems there is no clear answer to this. Such a person says it should be this. So-and-So says it should be something else. A.N. Other disagrees with both. To a seasoned teacher, but novice researcher, like myself I have found this incredibly frustrating. Have some people really got nothing better to do with their time. Better stories to tell.

Having said that I have found some of the reading on the philosophy of education and interesting. I particularly enjoyed the dialogue between Socrates and G.O.D. in Garry Potter's 'the philosophy of social science'. For a while I was drawn to critical realism. I appreciated  what I understand to be the pragmatic nature of it, although some of the finer details elude me at this stage.

Reflecting on this question of 'A story' or 'THE story'. I don't think that, even through our imperfect gaze, that there is a 'THE story' to be discovered, as if 'THE story' exists somewhere, hovering, waiting to pounce.

So there, I've said it. I am a relativist. I have a story to tell. It will be my story. With hard work I will make it scholarly, the first step being to justify my position.

This could very possible end up being the Never Ending Story (cue Limahl)

Through the Adventure Portal

I have started my Doctorate. Another adventure. The difference with this adventure is that I get to stay at home. No packing, no planes, no goodbyes. But lots of hellos. New people to adventure with. And as with past adventures, new diaries to write. The last diary I wrote was when I was teaching in China. Some of it was in Chinese, which means I can't understand my own writing any more. Some of the things I'm writing about now I'm not sure I understand at the moment, never mind if I come back to it in 18 years time.
Yes, I returned from China 18 years ago. Back to the UK, experiencing the culture shock of having to walk on the pavement and not have people stare at me. Starting work in a small college in West Yorkshire, teaching beginner ICT before nudging my way into the ESOL department and then Teacher Education.
It is time for new adventures. The universe aligned itself and I find myself a module and a half into an EdD. I've been writing a lot, for the assignment, note-taking and the above mentioned diary. I've enjoyed the paper-ness of the diary. The flow of the gel pens while curled up on the sofa, squeezed into the viewing gallery of the local pool or the complete indulgence of sitting in a pub with a pint and my thoughts.
I have been a Lurker for many years. Hovering in Twitter but happily not contributing. But I know this has to change. What would be the point of doing the EdD and not sharing what I'm doing. I already feel it is quite a self-indulgent act. Studying when I should be being Mum, Wife, hockey player.
My current question is: What influences a teacher's decision to, or not to use, digital technologies in the classroom. It's already changed from when I first applied, and I am sure it will change again. I'm interested in teacher education, agency and decision-making. Whatever the question turns in to, I need to buckle up and enjoy the ride. This could be a bumpy one.