Facing the CELTA-fear

 

I have entered into the world of Twitter this morning. I MUST do this, to engage with the academic community, to share and disseminate my EdD research, to help me increase the validity of my study and to broaden my PEN. I need to recognise and face my anixeties about doing this.

Identifying my fears

I joined Twitter in 2009. I follow over 200 people and have over 700 followers. This does not look like the profile of someone with Twitter-phobia. I had been an on- off-lurker for a long time up to the intial lockdown of March 2020, but lockdown sent me into full hibernation mode where I couldn't bring myself to even open Twitter let alone contribute. Prior to lockdown, my occassional jaunts into Twitter would find me struggling with the Noise, frustrated with having to plow my way through retweets and public 'private' conversations. Which made me question what I wanted to contribute. I certainly didn't want to add to this Noise, yet how else to use this space?

I am entering year 3 of my EdD. The networking opportunites of Twitter are so obvious and I know I need to overcome these fears.

Facing my fear: CELTA-imposter syndrome.

As I write this, by bio reads:

 

FE. Teacher Education. ESOL. Embarking on an EdD. All views my own.

 

Not a single mention of CELTA. How can this be when the main questions I'm interesting in answering is How do trainee-teachers learn to teach through peer observation on their Teaching Practice on a part time CELTA? and What do trainee-teachers and the CELTA tutors professionally notice as they engage in while-observation and post-observation discussions of Teaching Practice?

My professional identity sits firmly within FE, I have felt the shift from being an ESOL teacher to being a Teacher Educator, and this is reflected in my bio as well as in the Twitter circles I find myself in. The pleasures of Twitter are when you are conversing with people that you know, have met, know a little about their (professional) backgrounds. I know very few CELTA people. I only deliver one part time CELTA a year, within a large FE college, and I feel quite a CELTA-fraud. Which is nuts, because year on year we get great feedback from the traineees, from the assessor and (despite how very hard work it is!) I do love teaching the CELTA.

Why I love the CELTA

Well, what's not to love! It is a great course, it is intensive, and challenging and in a short time trainees learn a lot, and I think a large part of this is because of the Teaching Practice, hense my research interest. It is also one of the very few ways to get some subject specific training for ESOL in the UK. We market the course for this duality, it is a passport to adventures across the globe and a starting point for teaching ESOL in the UK, and with the demise of the DT(E)LLS, there aren't many ESOL-specific courses out there any more. It also means the college can offer free ESOL classes to asylum seakers, providing much needed classes for those with no recourse to public funds.

Coming out of my shell

I am setting myself an intention to network more. Embrace the fears. Limit the Lurking.

The purpose of educational research - getting to grips with my research design

My son turns 13 tomorrow. Today we are celebrating his last day of non-teenager-ness. So far this has meant he's got to stay in bed watching You Tube on his phone & I'm hanging out in my kitchen baking, listening to the 6Music & skim reading through my first assignment from the EdD.

I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed this. Sunday morning breakfasts were always my domain. I'd make pancakes, sometimes bake bread. But these are winter routines, when the aga is on and our basement kitchen is the warmest place in the house. In the summer months I'm drawn to the sunnier spots upstairs to read and write, or even dragged away from the EdD to play tennis. It's November and I'm getting ready to hibernate.

Re-reading my first assignment, submitted only 10 short months ago, is like stumbling across an old friend who I only vaguely recognise. The first thing that stands out to me is that I took risks from the get go. I wrote Part A of the assignment as a confessional tale, which Sparks (1995) describes as 'autobiographical, highly personalized and self-absorbed to tell us what 'really' happened (p.171). I wrote it in the style of a journal in which I am exploring the developing relationship between my  professional self and the literature on the philosophy of education. The first tutor comment was reassuring in my decision 'an interesting and well focused abstract - I like the way you implicitly mobilise Sparks'.

The second thing I notice is that the tutor comments I imply the purpose of educational research should solely be concerned with improving practice. This resonates strongly with me on this lazy Sunday morning, as I am still struggling to articulate what I want to study, and more importantly why. I need to answer the 'so what' question of my research, and to do this I need to dig deep, continue to ponder the philosophical question on what I see as the purpose of educational research and most importantly, it's time for me to stop sitting on the fence so that I can have a research design that ensures my methodology explains and justifies my ontological and epistemological position.


Sparkes, A. (1995). Writing people - reflections on the dual crisis of representation and legitimation in qualitative enquiry. Quest, 47 (2), 158-195

taking time to stop

Since starting the EdD I've taken a pragmatic approach to time, reflecting on what I've had to stop doing (playing hockey, gardening, reading novels) to fit in the study time. During one of the early EdD sessions, I recall the guest speaker (a recent graduate) talked about how often he would be spending time with his family, sharing physical space with them, but often his mind was elsewhere. Thinking about his doctorate.

I recognise this. Do this, do that, get the jobs done in order to find the time to read and write and think. Another memory of being told a doctorate is one of the most self indulgent things you can do, that it's about having an intense relationship with yourself.

I'm reflecting on this busy-ness now, because this week I've stopped. I've stopped doing. I've started being. I've been with my family. We have shared time and space. No decisions beyond the immediacy of the next moment. Collect the car. Pick up something for tea. What time should we meet tomorrow? An unexpected bereavement has brought us all together. Nothing more important than being together.

And so we find ourselves in limbo. That time between the immediate shock of the loss and the goodbye of the funeral. Taking each day as it comes. Picking up everyday routines while navigating the waves of the loss.

Yet now I find myself with some time, with no obligation to others. An opportunity to pick up the reading, writing, thinking. I have the time but not the space. No head space for thinking, not with any kind of clarity. I've read through my notes, but they make no sense. I tried to do some writing, but the blank page was too strong. I can't bring myself to even start the hunt for something to read.

The best I can do is accept that this is OK. I don't need to be doing anything. I can stop.

further ponderings on my research topic

Picture the scene. A busy restaurant, a long table. Not a family outing, a work meal. What is the collective noun for a group of ESOL tutors?

I was sat around the middle of the table, opposite my fellow CELTA tutors. Looking to my right I noticed everyone, yes everyone, had completed their CELTA with us and when I pointed this out to my colleague he looked to the other half of the room to find that everyone, bar TWO people, had completed either the CELTA of the DTE(E)LLS with us. What's the collective noun for a home grown group of ESOL tutors?

Over the years, as new tutors have joined the team, it has become increasingly rare for our CELTA graduates to get jobs within the college, and with the removal of the need to gain the DT(E)LLS the ratio of home gown to externally trained teachers has shifted. Until this year, when I am so delighted that two graduates from the last cohort have joined the ESOL team.

This reminiscing brings me to my EdD. I am at the proposal writing stage, so two questions at the forefront of my thinking are 'What do I want to research and what will be the original contribution?'

Up until this morning, central in my thoughts was the use of syncronised chat in teaching practice. I am drawn to this for several reasons. It is something new, it's directly related to my practice & it involves a technology that I believe creates opportunities for learning which wouldn't exist if the technology didn't exist. After three meetings with my supervisor, I was finally able to hear her advice that this was not big enough for a doctoral study. I needed to position this use of technology more broadly and this fit with the reading I'd been doing on models of teacher education and the role of observation and reflective practice. My draft research questions are:

• Are teacher education courses able to develop teachers' reflective skills?
• Does the CELTA course facilitate reflective thinking?
• Does syncronised chat during TP influence reflective thinking/conversations, if so, how?

With this in mind, I have continued reading, reading, reading and this has taken me in all sorts of directions: lesson study; peer observation in HE; philosophies and histories of teacher education; and a continued hunt for studies on the CELTA.

Then, yesterday, I looked back over the CELTA articles I'd  already found and saw there was a gap in the literature relating to CELTA graduates, and what research has been done relates to graduates working internationally. Which has got me thinking about the UK FE context. As yet I have not found anything on CELTA graduates who transition into the UK ESOL profession.

This sounds really exciting and a potential research question could be 'How do graduates from a part time CELTA transition into English Language Teaching in the UK?'

BUT ......

this does not lend itself to action research. This past 12 months I have felt the pull/push of action research and the struggles of putting the research question before the methodology. Which brings me back to what has drawn me to the questions about reflective practice, observation and the use of syncronised chat in TP. I can see how this would fit an action research methodology.

And to be honest, I am now starting to feel very nervous that the vast amount of reading I've done, rather than help me narrow down my research questions is opening up more and more. The enormity of it all is looming large.

Be Brave. Musings from #BrewEdFE 2019

#BrewEdFE brought together the different facets of my FE life. For Teacher Education there were my colleagues from the University of Huddersfield; there was my fellow ATLC; and from college it was a delight to see a maths contingency. From outside of 'work', there was also a smattering of the FE-HE hybrid Twitterati, and it was fabulous to catch up with one of my earliest Twitter friends.

I first chatted to Dr Alison Iredale on Twitter in those early days when we didn't really know what a #hashtag was for. It was at a conference some time around 2010. I don't recall which one, but it will undoubtedly have been something on learning technologies. Back then I either went to ESOL or tech events and NATECLA and the RSC-YH were prominent supporters of my CPD activity.

Meeting her again at #BrewEdFE we reminisced on our first meeting. She recalled what I was wearing and I remember her blue dress. It's a story I've told many times when I've been trying to 'sell' the power of Twitter to others. I know it's not a unique story because this is what makes the combination of Twitter and Conferences so great, but as I said this was the early days of Twitter and you know what they say about The First Time.  Here's my version of the story.

We were chatting (on Twitter) during a workshop at this conference. We agreed to try to actually find each other during the break and shared what we were wearing. My colleague was sitting next to me and as the 'I'm wearing a blue dress' pinged through, he tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to the person in a blue dress next to me.

Hearing her talk at #BrewEdFE it felt that she was talking directly to me. She spoke about engaging in Brave Research, which resonated with the practitioner research group I attended at ReimagineFE last year. Attending ReimagineFE was one was Those Moments last year that put me on the path to my EdD.

I'm now a year, and three modules, in to my EdD. I am reading reading reading like crazy, trying to get a grasp on what I want to study, where this fits into the current field and find the gap that will be my original contribution. My aims are like a rainbow, at times bright and colourful for all to see only then to fade and dim then disappear leaving a faint memory of what was and could be. I'm trying to be a Good Researcher, to find out what I want to study before finding the methodology that will allow me to answer the question.

Yet I am forever drawn to action research, which means putting method before question, and Alison has reminded me that this is where I need to be Brave. It is going to be difficult, so difficult that right now it's not something I'm even able to articulate to myself let alone to others. It's like 'time' - you know exactly what time is, until you come to have to explain it. My personal biography is an important aspect that I need to draw and reflect upon. Thank you to the organizers of #BrewEdFE for bringing such a range of FE, HE and Inbetweeners together & for providing this valuable space which is helping me on my path to becoming a practitioner researcher.

flexing my writing muscles

Grow your own writing practice is a very timely post from Patter, as this is the very issue I am grappling with – developing my writing skills.

I’ve been very organised with my EdD-ing, ensuring I set aside regular time to read, and longer chunks of time for writing. I’d always seen the writing ‘part’ linked to the assignments, and this is one of things that had drawn me to the EdD. However, I’ve also kept a journal, this was the section where I would muse over what I was thinking about and at points in the year I’d read it and this helped me keep a handle on where I was and where I’d been. This provided me with reassurances that I was on track. But then I struggled with reading it. It seemed waffly and unhelpful. So I stopped writing in it. This was about the time I was writing assignment three, and since then I’ve struggled with this aspect of writing.

So once again, with the rain cancelling the planned tennis, I find I have a small window before I head into the gym instead.  Coffee is brewed, laptop opened and I am not 100% sure what I’m going to do with this unexpected opportunity. I open my email to find the latest Patter post has popped into my inbox. It’s as good a place as any to start.

The post reminds me that there are many aspects to writing. I cannot limit my writing to assignments or the thesis, or to note-taking and I need to step out of my comfort zone in both these areas. I’m already making some changes with my note-taking which is forcing me to be more disciplined in my thinking. This of course is challenging! I find myself struggling so I procrastinate then I berate myself for not doing the thinking/writing that I should be doing. But I can’t quite put my finger on the kind of writing I should be doing. On I go in unhelpful circles.

I need to snap out of it. Carving out time to work on my writing skills is just as valuable as ensuring I’m working on my lit review.  I need to build routines to include writing notes, summaries and chunks for my supervisor. I will take Patter's advice and ensure I take time out to flex my writing muscles.

writing and thinking: yet more navel gazing procrastination

Writing and thinking. Thinking and writing. I am really struggling with this. I’m feeling the pull of the laptop, the pull to be drafting the literature review for my proposal. I have read a lot over the summer. My supervisor recognised this and sent me away to start writing, asking to see me again in three weeks. We’re coming up to that point.

Why the struggle? It’s a somewhat sunny Sunday morning. Waking early I think, oh, writing time. Then comes the procrastination. A podcast while continuing to snooze. A quick game of Clash Royale. Some reading about a TV show we’re (slowly) binge watching. Finally out of bed. Still early, everyone else asleep. Coffee and a dilemma.

Where and what to write?

For the past year I have kept a research diary. In a nod to the ‘Dear diary’, I start each entry with some scene setting, then I write and see where my thoughts take me. It’s located in the back of my note book. I find the scene-setting helpful when reading it back, it reminds me of where I was and what I was thinking at that time.

I haven’t written in it so much recently. I was feeling overwhelmed by the amount I was writing and the purpose of this time. I also have a new notebook, smaller this time, with dots rather than lines. Easier to carry around, but I’m not feeling the love.

So here I am with the laptop, clearly not writing my literature review, but writing at least. I enjoy writing; I have enjoyed the physical act of writing with pen and paper, I also enjoy writing on a screen too. Which is the key issue. When I write with a pen, what I think I write. It is very verbose, no editing, but I am my own audience. When I type, there is another audience and the need for editing.

What is it I am finding so hard with getting down to it? I’m feeling pretty organised. Notes are well organised. Articles safely accessible in Acrobat reader. The Summons shortcut for speedy access to useful citations. I have the outline of a structure. I even have about 2500 words, and now as I write this I am wanting to have a stern word with myself. Yet I can’t really put my finger on why I am writing this self-indulgent, procrastinating nonsense, when I could have been usefully thinking about where my research ideas fit within my field of study.

So there we are. An hour spent thinking  and writing about why I am not thinking about and writing my literature review. The house is awake. Family time and a swimming gala, back to work tomorrow. The PhD life?